It’s the place right next to sugoma

I found him, hes in Ligma

And unique email-aliases for bonus points

Could Cryptomator and any cloud service be a solution for your needs?

I think it depends, I guess you “just” need the right distro and compatible hardware (e.g. a Thinkpad). I started as a complete Linux noob too, but most problems I encountered I could easily solve in no time because a lot of things are nicely documented or someone else had them before and documented their solution on the internet. But depending on your usecase and other factors I understand Linux can be a pain in the ass.