I was arguing with a tankie who was defending the use of an ableist slur. I told them fine, whatever, call me a f-----. I was making a point about how they would call mentally ill people slurs, but wouldn’t do the same to me. Implying I thought they were a bigot, and they’d attack me too if there were as few consequences. They weren’t a good person, they were just being civil according to social norms. I don’t care about civility, I care about meaning what you say. Practicing what you preach. F----- is how I feel tankies see me, on a certain level. Stalin said being gay is bourgeois decadence. He put us in gulags. I don’t feel safe around Stalin worshippers, and when they attack other minorities, I feel aware of that. I see how their respect is an act.

I’d rather be called a f----- than have them insist they’re my allies. And it took a lot of self control just now to delete those five letters and turn them into dashes. I want to talk openly about how I feel seen by those people. This pretense, not using the words that match how I feel I’m seen, it feels like the same thing. Having to practice civility around people who would lynch me if Dear Leader told them to. I’d prefer slurs.