If you’re lucky, you win the wisdom to understand that no amount of wishful thinking can brute force yourself into being a different person, and you understand that this cycle is borne of internalised ableism.
You win the chance to try again tomorrow — not at being the productivity powerhouse you desperately wish you were, but at being someone who works hard to be kind to themselves — someone who reluctantly embraces the messiness of human existence and tries to find opportunities to work with their ADHD, rather than against it.
It’s a bittersweet prize, because it just boils down to “more work”. However, it’s work that has a chance to build personal fulfillment, instead of stuff that seems engineered to make you resent yourself.
What if co-workers threaten to do NSFW things to me if I don’t fall in line, and my mother who I live in is in 4 pays worth of debt? And my brother is violent, and wants a gaming PC at any cost? And oh, can’t really handle too many people without a panic attack nowadays, yet my Father has an idea to force me to buy an icecream machine and work at a fare as a side-job.
So yeah, it’s like you better break the laws of biology, or you will be discarded like trash here.
I’m sorry to have taken so long to reply to this; I wanted to be able to say something useful, or reassuring at least, but I know that nothing I can say can change the shitty reality you’re facing. I resonate a lot with what you describe, because whilst the specifics of my circumstances were quite different to yours, my home life was also pretty fucked up.
For me, university was my escape, and it was only once I was out of there that I was able to reflect on just how harmful that environment was for me.hen I was sitting in my room at uni, I’d sometimes find myself overwhelmed with anxiety for no apparent reason. I realised that this anxiety was because whilst my room at my family home was my safe space, I had also learned that I would never be allowed that kind of safety, and that I needed to be prepared for a family member to barge in at any moment and be awful to me. At university, I also learned that I was awful at understanding and communicating my own boundaries, and had to learn those skills practically from scratch (no point communicating boundaries if abusive family will just use that to hurt you more).
I actually ended up dropping out of university due to non-ADHD related health problems, but I don’t regret going one bit, even if I do have a bunch of student debt and no degree to show for it. I don’t know how I’d have been able to escape that environment without going to university, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to survive that environment.
When you’re stuck in abusive or toxic situations, people will sometimes say ‘you need to get out of there’, which I always found frustrating. They’re not wrong, but just because a solution is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Even once I was out of there, I was envious of my peers, who were able to rely on their family for financial and emotional support while studying, as well as not having to worry about finding accommodation during the vacation. Even once you’re out, it takes time to unlearn the various maladaptive coping measures that one develops to protect oneself from constant stress.
Healing is possible though, even if it feels unfathomable when you’re in an environment that precludes that right now. I’m sorry that you have to face this. It isn’t right or fair. I’m sorry that you have no choice but to endure this for now. I hope that you are able to hang in there long enough to get out and to start building the kind of life you deserve. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself[1] . You’re not broken, you’re just struggling under impossible circumstances, and merely surviving is a pretty incredible feat, all things considered. I know I’m just a random person on the internet who knows next to nothing about your life, but I’m proud of you for striving for a better life.
[1]: (I also realise that “be kind to yourself” is yet another piece of advice that’s simple, but far from easy)
If you’re lucky, you win the wisdom to understand that no amount of wishful thinking can brute force yourself into being a different person, and you understand that this cycle is borne of internalised ableism.
You win the chance to try again tomorrow — not at being the productivity powerhouse you desperately wish you were, but at being someone who works hard to be kind to themselves — someone who reluctantly embraces the messiness of human existence and tries to find opportunities to work with their ADHD, rather than against it.
It’s a bittersweet prize, because it just boils down to “more work”. However, it’s work that has a chance to build personal fulfillment, instead of stuff that seems engineered to make you resent yourself.
What if co-workers threaten to do NSFW things to me if I don’t fall in line, and my mother who I live in is in 4 pays worth of debt? And my brother is violent, and wants a gaming PC at any cost? And oh, can’t really handle too many people without a panic attack nowadays, yet my Father has an idea to force me to buy an icecream machine and work at a fare as a side-job.
So yeah, it’s like you better break the laws of biology, or you will be discarded like trash here.
Edit: pays, not days.
I’m sorry to have taken so long to reply to this; I wanted to be able to say something useful, or reassuring at least, but I know that nothing I can say can change the shitty reality you’re facing. I resonate a lot with what you describe, because whilst the specifics of my circumstances were quite different to yours, my home life was also pretty fucked up.
For me, university was my escape, and it was only once I was out of there that I was able to reflect on just how harmful that environment was for me.hen I was sitting in my room at uni, I’d sometimes find myself overwhelmed with anxiety for no apparent reason. I realised that this anxiety was because whilst my room at my family home was my safe space, I had also learned that I would never be allowed that kind of safety, and that I needed to be prepared for a family member to barge in at any moment and be awful to me. At university, I also learned that I was awful at understanding and communicating my own boundaries, and had to learn those skills practically from scratch (no point communicating boundaries if abusive family will just use that to hurt you more).
I actually ended up dropping out of university due to non-ADHD related health problems, but I don’t regret going one bit, even if I do have a bunch of student debt and no degree to show for it. I don’t know how I’d have been able to escape that environment without going to university, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to survive that environment.
When you’re stuck in abusive or toxic situations, people will sometimes say ‘you need to get out of there’, which I always found frustrating. They’re not wrong, but just because a solution is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Even once I was out of there, I was envious of my peers, who were able to rely on their family for financial and emotional support while studying, as well as not having to worry about finding accommodation during the vacation. Even once you’re out, it takes time to unlearn the various maladaptive coping measures that one develops to protect oneself from constant stress.
Healing is possible though, even if it feels unfathomable when you’re in an environment that precludes that right now. I’m sorry that you have to face this. It isn’t right or fair. I’m sorry that you have no choice but to endure this for now. I hope that you are able to hang in there long enough to get out and to start building the kind of life you deserve. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself[1] . You’re not broken, you’re just struggling under impossible circumstances, and merely surviving is a pretty incredible feat, all things considered. I know I’m just a random person on the internet who knows next to nothing about your life, but I’m proud of you for striving for a better life.
[1]: (I also realise that “be kind to yourself” is yet another piece of advice that’s simple, but far from easy)
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