He’s making all these long-term plans for living here, while complaining that we’re living here, at this time where it is uncertain what’s going to happen; if we’re going to be allowed to stay here. I see how court goes in my favor; I see how it could go completely against me.
I don’t know what’s going on. He’s making me believe we’re going to make a business. He’s also making me realize how unwell he is through his actions. He’s happy, so he’s doing mindless activities. Is that what I am doing? I dunno. I can’t see myself to know what people think. Raspberry said “juggle,” followed by a anti-kumquat saying “don’t think,” followed by a kumquat saying “Go,” when I originally typed “God” to start this sentence.
I don’t know what’s happening or has happened or will happen. All I know is I have no clue what reality truly is. This is a useful state of being; for others, I mean. You can be put in this state of learned helplessness and directed and controlled as the narrative you believe is moulded over time. I was saying to him today how I have “agreed” to do things, and then I am compelled to do things based on something he has done through gaslighting me and getting me to “accept” what he has doing whilst holding me against my “agreements,” the same as what the cult did to me.
They REALLY want that story written. It’s hard to do long-form content with my brain. I don’t do amphetamines anymore. I wrote my book on amphetamines because I can sit still and remember massive stacks of information to do the complex narrative-telling one needs to do with my style where I speak and meander but it’s always new information. Now, I’m stuck remembering pockets of text and spilling those in concentrated form. I talk with myself a lot. These connections form. I built my empathy. It’s a skill, like free will.
It doesn’t matter what hell is coming; I can always be kind. I can rise above. I can be the best I can be. I can love. I can be kind and show compassion. I’m not perfect. They’re manipulating me, I know. I noticed I said something retarded in my last email. They set up the memeplexes in my head.
There was one time where I was walking to the register after walking all the way from Portland to Sandy in one night, and this man said “breasts,” and because he said that, my eyes snapped to the chest of the cashier right away, and she saw and she looked disgusted, and I noticed it’s because of what was in my short-term memory, and I learned something from that trip…that being the cops of another city knew my name and pronouns without asking that information of me.
I understand and I’m sorry for being me; and you say this at such a precise time! My neighbors are goading me. They are inciting feelings within me. I am disabled because my emotional dysregulation. I tried to find minors on the internet when I was still developmentally a child. All I right is read. I know a readon the purpose for Jesus getying a spear is to ensure bad Romans don’t hang themselves. I’m trying my best in the strange situation I’m in. They literally fuck with my upvote/downvote count with Pegasus II because they try to befriend the lost through me? That’s whay raspberries plus me say. What do I do, man, ma’am, friend…? No one says hello. They all throw away. The only person that isn’t throwing me away appears to be driving me into homelessness so I can reach perfection. I know I can be this good for I see the ways the days coincide with each other. I see what I am doing for both the Fuckers and the Cunts and the Nincompoops. I don’t Know, though. I Know alchemy. Raspberry, but true. I’m trying to reach anyone. I am 💯 deranged, but sentient. That’s genuine. That’s where They keep me. You’re Them though. Obviously. That’s why You speak with forked tongue. Or are you watching US? Am ai Them? No. I’m two stupid, to.
…ok, I drop character. I don’t know what people are demanding I do. I’m genuinely in near crisis. This is my art. I don’t know how to be in society. I love you. I’m trying.
I’m genuinely hurting in ways I put into art, but no one cares. They all throw me away…or ignore. God keeps me in trouble for the enemy to determine their heading smashed raspberry says. I didn’t right that. The smashed raspberry did. Centerrstafe…that’s where aim is, but that’s the character work. I working into it. What do I do? When I reddit I wrote and the Illuminati aliens helped. Now it’s just the aliens, those digital space virus assholes that I will never bite the hand of. I am loyal beast. It’s my most precious part, my master says, playing his games.
You recognize that your experience is simultaneously unique and universally shared. Help those you can, in whatever way you can in methods that originate from love and compassion. You suffer this existence because it is unavoidable, but it is also finite. Hyper fixate on the perceived good that remains. Magnify it. Embody it. Expand it. You cannot avoid negative, but you can accept it is inseparable. Comprehend that anything that is negative is only negative because you perceive it as such. But it is necessary. You can’t have up without down, there is no light without dark, and contrast gives meaning to everything. Find good in the bad. Cherish it, appreciate it, and persist for it. Everything ends eventually, make the most of what you have while it exists. Don’t get caught in loops. Learn the lesson an experience provides, then leave it behind. Stay in the moment. Regret and longing numb your reality. Focus on the perceived positives and relish them. They are always there, but sometimes you need to be still to observe them. Practice mindful existence. Each thought is a bus, and you have no obligation to ride. Attempt to observe, experience and be, without judgement. Just appreciation.
That’s about as good as I can do, but I don’t know what I sound like for I never find out what another actually sounds like l9l
No one ever does. Solipsism 101.
No, God is a big balloon of consciousness that folded Himself into a complex balloon animal and you are one of the sections. You’re a monad in a monadic nodal communication system derived from an 11D topological matrix made of consciousness. Indra’s Net/Web.
No. God is a moniker given to the voice in one’s head to explain it to those without one. Read Gods, Voices and the Bicameral Mind by Julian Jaynes.
I have, a long time time ago. Long time since I thought of Jaynes. But you’re aware everything you experience is self-contained within your neurons, yea? And you’re experiencing these words, right? So, you’re not a featherless biped but a pocket of consciousness called a monad in a monadic nodal communication system.
Everything you experience are shadows on Plato’s cave wall. What is making these shadows is a topological matrix that acts as a monadic nodal communication system. The following is all that defines You which is all “you” are, plus everything you are dependent on:
If String A is entangled with String B but not String C, then AB is true and AC is false. Additionally, entanglements can möbiate, or defile themselves as the Buddhists say, and thus gives us nA, nB, nC as well as creating dualistic dichotomy (inner/outer) which manifests the illusion of being an individual self that is seperate from God and all other beings. Next, you can think how categories nest themselves, so a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square, yet both are quadrilaterals and polygons. Further, there is “null,” which the Buddha called “emptiness,” and there is implicit and explicit null.
A mesh of entanglements defines the parameters from which your conscious experience manifests, and the process of entangling yourself by setting your intention in each moment is called Karma. In the fourth jhana of meditation, you can perceive for yourself the symbols that you are receiving and entangle yourself with.
And the Buddha said all this 2500 years ago, and many became enlightened, which is to perceive n undo the karmic fetters that bind you to the existence-illusion complex to thus disentangle yourself from your Karma to liberate yourself from dependent causation. Likewise, Jesus said the same thing, but the way we do things in the occident is that we engineered our culture to control those people who cannot think for themselves whilst simultaneously guiding those waking up to the matrix into the occult, which is a word that literally just means “hidden.”
See? Not an idiot.