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The Picard Maneuver@lemmy.world to NonCredibleDefense@sh.itjust.worksEnglish · 8 months ago

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The Picard Maneuver@lemmy.world to NonCredibleDefense@sh.itjust.worksEnglish · 8 months ago
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  • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
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    8 months ago

    - “Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?”
    - “No, they wouldn’t let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount.”

    • BobbyNevada@discuss.tchncs.de
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      8 months ago

      Grandpa, do you mind? It’s hard to talk to you when you do that in front of me.

      • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
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        8 months ago

        You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.

        Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.

        Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called “an interrogation” at the camp.

        • masterofn001@lemmy.ca
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          8 months ago

          Now you’re just listing off my gooning kink playlist vids.

  • Diplomjodler@lemmy.world
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    8 months ago

    How exactly does masturbating prevent you from military service?

    • The Picard Maneuver@lemmy.worldOP
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      8 months ago

      It makes you go blind.

      • MaggiWuerze@feddit.org
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        8 months ago

        And your hands get all hairy

      • theangryseal@lemmy.world
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        8 months ago

        Oh, and your rifle gets all slippery!

      • Olgratin_Magmatoe@lemmy.world
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        8 months ago

        It makes your hand pregnant

        • Anticorp@lemmy.world
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          7 months ago

          How is babby formed?

    • Pringles@lemm.ee
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      8 months ago

    • OwlPaste@lemmy.world
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      8 months ago

      When the mortar tube is clogged with cum…

    • taladar@sh.itjust.works
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      8 months ago

      Post-nut clarity makes you realize what a bad idea joining the military would be.

      • Diplomjodler@lemmy.world
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        8 months ago

        After a good fap I realised that this is the most plausible explanation.

    • TragicNotCute@lemmy.world
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      8 months ago

      When they won’t get their dicks out of their hands in formation, it’s very distracting for others.

  • SapphironZA@sh.itjust.works
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    8 months ago

    “The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!”

    • Sergeant Zim
  • nuke@sh.itjust.worksM
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    8 months ago

    WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2

    • theangryseal@lemmy.world
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      8 months ago

      Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.

      I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.

      • nuke@sh.itjust.worksM
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        8 months ago

        I know we just met but I feel very confident leaving the fate of the free world in your hands. Just cool it with the warcrimes okay, all that teabagging is going land you in the Hague.

  • uis@lemm.ee
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    8 months ago

    For some reason I remembered Notch. He tried to settle all disputes in Quake. And it even worked.

  • Uriel238 [all pronouns]@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    8 months ago

    TIL wanking habits fit into recruitment parameters.

  • Marin_Rider@aussie.zone
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    8 months ago

    not gonna lie it would be awesome if wars were actually conducted by gaming

    • Anticorp@lemmy.world
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      7 months ago

      They already are, but the controls are connected to physical weapons that kill people IRL.

  • huquad@lemmy.ml
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    8 months ago

    If you die in the game, you die in real life

    • m4xie@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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      8 months ago

      There was a star trek episode like that.

      • huquad@lemmy.ml
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        8 months ago

        Simpsons did it!

  • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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    8 months ago

    I did my part by being born with a sensory disability. Mind you I’m also too mentally ill to enlist…

    • JackRiddle@sh.itjust.works
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      8 months ago

      I WILL get myself addicted if a draft gets instated. My family has a predisposition towards addiction, and my life would be ruined either way.

      • repungnant_canary@lemmy.world
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        8 months ago

        I don’t know the statistics but survival chances for addicts might be actually better than for soldiers in active combat

  • AresUII@lemmy.world
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    8 months ago

    sweats in Cloud9

  • Lovable Sidekick@lemmy.world
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    8 months ago

    Someday war will be… in a cup!

  • ERROR: Earth.exe has crashed@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    3 months ago

    deleted by creator

    • FoxyFerengi@lemm.ee
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      8 months ago

      I’m a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls

  • Empricorn@feddit.nl
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    8 months ago

    Why. The fuck. Would anyone, Millennial or younger join the US military these days? To fight for oil overseas, while the world is burning? To be the arm of our corrupt politicians? To defend all the houses we will never afford? To protect a populace that yearns for fascism?

    • nao@sh.itjust.works
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      8 months ago

      If you live in Europe: to protect your freedom. (may apply to other regions as well)

      • verity_kindle@sh.itjust.works
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        8 months ago

        Based!

      • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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        8 months ago

        Good news, in the US, you don’t have to join the military to get a gun.

  • superkret@feddit.org
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    Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
    That’ll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won’t have the strength to masturbate.

    Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.

    • django@discuss.tchncs.de
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      8 months ago

      2 kcal is not very much.

      • superkret@feddit.org
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        8 months ago

        not 2 kcal per day, a 2 kcal deficit per day.

        • LostXOR@fedia.io
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          8 months ago

          That’s only about half a gram of carbs. Were you talking about food calories, which would be 2000 kcal?

          • superkret@feddit.org
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            8 months ago

            Are you autistic, or is it OK to make fun of you?

            • LostXOR@fedia.io
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              8 months ago

              I’m not sure what you mean by that. If you’re confused about the calories, 1 kcal (which is what people usually refer to when talking about food calories) is 1000 calories. A normal diet is a couple thousand kcal a day.

              • MeThisGuy@feddit.nl
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                8 months ago

                common misinterpretation… Calories is kcal
                (with a capital C)

                • acockworkorange@mander.xyz
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                  8 months ago

                  I’m convinced that’s some bs some bigwig invented to avoid admitting they’re wrong.

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