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That I’m a man and that must mean I want solutions to my problems instead of my feelings being validated.
The amount of time I spend trying to get people to simply validate my feelings is maddening.
I’ve heard it said “women don’t want solutions, they want their feelings validated.” Such a stupid unnecessarily gendered thing. Everyone wants their feelings validated.
But no, everyone proffers solutions or excuses as to why I shouldn’t feel that way. Makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
Have you tried talking to them about that?
Yes, I have. Endlessly. It always results in anything but actually validating my feelings. I know I’m not out of line because two separate therapists have confirmed I’m really not asking for much and if I’m taking the time to politely communicate it (especially over and over), it’s the other party who has an issue.
I was trying to rankle you :(
You didn’t. 😀 No worries
Guess I’ll have to try harder next time.
I love that you unironically offered a solution.
I did it ironically, but even more ironically, OP didn’t take it ironically.
Aww I’m sorry to hear. I hope the best for you, internet stranger. Your feelings matter. I know what it feels like when it seems like they don’t. Hope the rest of your weekend goes ok.
Can you give an example?
I’d really rather not go into my personal shit between me and my family on the internet, thanks.
I’m chronically ill. My ability waxes and wanes. When folks see me out doing something challenging, they tend to assume I’m just fine and must be some shiftless malingerer. Rather than understanding I’ve sunk a lot of time and preparation into trying to be ok for that occasion.
What are you chronically ill with?
I have a neuromuscular demyelinating disorder called CIDP. And some other health complications including getting COVID induced pulmonary embolisms and being on a blood thinner that has interfered with my normal regimen of managing CIDP.
Oh man, as someone with a fairly mild and easily treatable cancer who is constantly fatigued I feel the hell out of this.
Im not having a bad time just because I dont talk all the time. So many people directly associate silence with sadness or loneliness.
Same. I am what many would class as selectively mute (something which for some reason people think is difficult to take one’s word for), based on the inability to calculate things to say in a conversation (which also goes with trying to vocally/verbally train myself) but also based on anxiety, and even in school, people would look and think “oh she must be an introvert” which greatly reduced my ability to make friends.
Something that I believe a lot of people around me misunderstand, is the fact that I hate “people,” but also want to be connected, share moments, create moments, create things with them, and outlive the biggest assholes of the world.
I hate people who have made life for those they will never meet, worse than ever. I hate those who can’t seem to wrap their heads around the idea that no one wants to be owned in any way. I hate those who didn’t pause to put themselves in someone else’s circumstances and realize the negative effects they can have on them; and ultimately, change their course of action accordingly. I hate those who live their lives for the sake of obtaining more and more money, commodities, wealth, or power over others. The list of reasons goes on, but my time to extend it does not.
Bravo, this is a huge one. Deep down I love people. Connection to others is the only real reason for living.
But there’s a massive swathe of people in the world that make me depressed about literally everything because they’re so callous and heartless.
I really, really feel you on the first paragraph. Humans are social creatures. But there is so much difficulty that goes in line with that. I struggle almost every single fucking day with people, yet I need them and want them.
When it comes to the “hate”, is it “misanthropic” or “social-pressure-based” or something else?
Seeing a lot of how people inclinationally are by default gives me a small bit of relatability for the first one.
People assume I’m making my conditions up, despite going through medical procedures at various times in my life.
One aspect of my autism is I don’t react to pain in the same way as other people, so when I am going through considerable pain I’d push on whilst maybe making a casual comment that my back hurts a fair bit due to my discs, however I’d say this without pain being expressed in my speech.
There’s also the situation where for extreme pains, the only reason I can get out of bed on some days is due to cannabis (for which I’m legally prescribed it). However due to my lack of reaction, people find it hard to believe I have a fair number of health issues when they see me just getting on with things.
Once it took an ex an hour of convincing before she took me for an x ray, for a broken toe, because I was just walking around with a limp, saying I’m sure I broke it (all casually).One of my two best friends has autism (closer to the classic kind) and his resistance is impressive. One day he got poison ivy after having run through a whole patch of it in sandals, and everyone wanted to get him treated, but he was like “nah I got this”. Looking at him, you’d think maybe it was fake poison ivy, as he made it seem like there was no pain or itchiness whatsoever despite his legs looking like raspberries. After a few weeks, it went away completely on its own.
I’m always surprised to see people assume things when it comes to health; that’s one of the last areas of expertise one should be assuming things in. I have a few medical conditions and they’re all things people say they have a hard time believing, even though it’s not saying much when even asexuality is met with skeptical reactions.
I am fanatically polite, helpful, and very friendly in person and go out of my way to make people feel welcome and helped. My church friends and my patients absolutely love me, and I genuinely would give a kidney to most of them (well not every patient because some of them aren’t nice no matter what you do but I try to be very patient and hold space for what troubles them). I go out of my way to be generous in other ways despite the fact I have extremely little money, I’ll babysit your kids so you can go on a date, for example, and would never think of being paid. The kids at church adore me and I’m always sitting with a pig pile of them on top of me. People say I’m like a light in their lives. I genuinely want to do everything I can to make their day good, and I’m very funny and genuinely interested in other people.
But life at home is simply awful. My spouse is a violent manipulative narcissistic sociopath who I am only living with because he’s wrecked my finances and my ability to cope alone, and I cannot afford to leave, and I think he’d hurt me if I tried. My ability to cope comes out of amber bottles, if I didn’t have meds I’d be hospitalized and ripping the hair out of my head. My spouse only speaks to me about bare necessities. I have no control over money at all, I work two jobs, usually 12 hours a day save for Sundays but that’s still 8 hours, have almost no time to myself and he judges me for what I do to relax (which is reading, television, and church). Underneath it all I feel like a black hole because of what he has done to me, I’m not even scratching the surface here. I feel like five different people sometimes even though I have a very good sense of self, but I feel like I have to keep these parts of my life separated so I don’t emotionally bleed on anyone. I really don’t know what will happen to me.
I really hope you can open up to someone about your home life. Someone you can trust. I don’t know what faith you have, but maybe the pastor, preacher etc. could be a person of trust? I know that in my home country they are obligated to keep your confessions private under any circumstances. Or maybe there’s an institution for victims of domestic violence nearby? I know this may sound frightning at first or you might feel ashamed for one reason or another. But I hope you can take this step to get some outside help for your situation. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be happy.
I have a therapist. But there’s really not much I can change without leaving. I can’t bear to leave my dogs, and a lot of people live in tent encampments in my city and I’m scared to be one of them. My therapist is sort of at her wit’s end with me because I’m actually fine, the situation is not.
I have the male equivalent of “resting bitch face”. Yet, I’m normally content and happy. And definitely willing to help people out. I mean, I’ve been taking care of people at the worst moments for my entire adult life.
I have the same thing. Someone once called it “resting murder face” because apparently if I forget to smile I just look like I want to stab someone. That plus having a deadpan sense of humour and generally flat tone of voice makes me come across as a total asshole unless I make extra effort. Even when I’m sincerely trying to be nice people assume I’m being sarcastic.
My “dark humor” is off the charts. It really is understandable how medical people stay in the same circles.
I’ve always found it odd people assume like that. The words “I’m fine” isn’t always believed, but a face somehow brings the assumption home.
Ha, yes … in my personal bubble “I’m fine”. My brain just happens to be on fire about the Trump insanity.
Just hope the Feds don’t bust down our door for voting Dem across the board.
Trump seems like he’s on the path to do a lot of questionable things, but I doubt targeting people for voting Democrat is one of them. He would be after half of the nation, the half with the urban stronghold, and remember, Trump himself used to be a Democrat.
America is beyond fucked. Trump may not go away until he dies. Yes, I mean beyond his 4 year term. That’s a lot of time to grab the voting registry from each state and easily track Dem voters.
You may think that’s insane.
Yet, Nazis murdered 6+ million people.
Who knows how many might be murdered with modern tech to identify and capture the “enemy”.
I mean, when it comes to tracking people, they’re already doing that. America is, without a doubt, beyond screwed. But we should separate this kind of fear from (precise) assessment. And yeah, I’m quite concerned too, especially given his first month in his new term. I have faith the will of the people would secure the two term rule. But that’s just my take.
We should focus on something more enlightening, this community (as one of the rules) tends to frown upon going too much into US political ordeals.
What it means to be autistic. What makes this more fun is how much learning about autism has essentially become a special interest of mine. The amount of responses in this thread that scream unrealized autistic is very high. :D
What are the biggest unsung signs you see?
Well let’s see… Here’s a few from this thread:
- Being really into something and struggling to not correct people when they say something wrong about that thing. And when you do correct them, they think you’re being egotistical.
- Being selectively mute
- Having autistic friends
- Having non-typical views about gender and/or sexuality
- Being diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression, and several other mental health disorders. Especially true for women. This is because doctors tend to suck at identifying autistic people and instead think these other things are what they’re seeing.
There are many other signs also, but this is just some that may be helpful. Bear in mind that someone can have any of those things and not be autistic, but when they have a bunch of them together, they’re probably autistic.
Drug use (cannabis), chronic illness, what people think is my ego.
Can relate to all three of these.
Do you ever get that thing where you’re just really into a thing you’re discussing, and then another person says something incorrect, and because you’re aware of this tendency of people to confuse passion for ego, you try to suggest as softly as possible that it’s an understandable mistake to make (and then you have to try to get to the root of the issue which is like a few levels down in the deduction, sorry, abduction path), but they still get angry at you for having pointed it out, even when you did it just to further the actual discussion?
I don’t know, might be a niche thing. Might be I just am a dick. But I don’t know if dicks would consider if they’re dicks. But I might just be saying that because I’m a smart dick pretending to not be a dick. I don’t think I am, though, but maybe I’m lying to myself.
Yeah, I get that sometimes. And very strongly when I do. More than once I’ve even found myself called out for self-absorption simply because I pushed back against being attacked by others. And their defense is always to go figure it all out on one’s own as if that’s not what conversation is for.
I’m an open book. So the thing people misunderstand most often is that I mean everything I say.
Why would you say something you don’t mean?
My dialect is confusing to some people. I was speaking to a Californian friend over Discord and I pronounce the word “Southern” in a way that she didn’t realize what word I was saying until I clarified that to her, and she was like “yeah, that’s definitely a different way of saying it”. Another word that trips some people up is “decals”!
I have a similar issue but it comes from a childhood of heavy reading but not understanding how dictionary pronunciations worked. So I ended up making a lot of mistakes on how certain words I read were pronounced. My parents were not well read people and they didn’t use those kind of words in common speech. Color me shocked when I got to college and people would laugh at how I said words like “subsequently” which I would pronounce with emphasis on it being derived from “sequence” so I pronounced the second half of the word like the word sequence… which is not correct. I still mispronounce a lot of words like that regularly.
I had the same thing for a while when I was little, so I can relate hehe. I remember getting a dictionary for my birthday because I had a phase where I was into books. No worries!
So I am from the northern US. I was speaking to someone from the southern US and they said the word “cement”. I had to do a double take and think hard about what they were saying. To me, it sounded like she was saying “semen”. I am basically a child and thought it was hilarious.
Same. Not that I am particularly known for talkativeness (the term “selectively mute” is often used to describe me, which many here think is facade-ish because they don’t realize is more associated with anxiety than autism), but I have Pacific heritage and it shows in what amounts to a Kiwi accent. People either…
- Think I’m Australian
- Think I’m Scottish
- Think I’m a Star Wars fangirl (because some people say they have only heard it from Jango Fett)
- Think I’m faking my voice and that this is why it sounds like it does
- Know it’s a real voice and what dialect it is but think I’ve ever been to New Zealand
And then they will proceed to ask me to pronounce silly words for them.
Apparently “should” is not pronounced like “shit”.Based on someone’s instruction, I once tried a kind of voiceover tech for fixing communication, and that only blew up in its own way, people thinking it felt “ungenuine”.
Aw yeah New Zealand! I often have trouble telling Australian and New Zealand accents apart though, they sound really similar to me. Love Australian and Kiwi accents!
“Deckles” or “Dee-cals”. What’s your method? Dee-cals for me.
“Deckles” and it rhymes with “speckles”!
You forgot “day-Kals”, stress on the second half. #ohCanada
How do you pronounce “southern?”
South-ern, with the “sou” rhyming with “how”
So, like, the normal way, then?
Ew
My neighbours are Nazis.
How did you find out?
Someone posted it on the internet.
I remember it well, was last November 5.
When I spend time with left-leaning people (like on Lemmy), they assume I’m much more right-wing than I actually am. Conversely, when I’m with my right-leaning friends, they think I’m much more left-wing than I really am. Even my closest friends and my SO frequently make assumptions about my views on certain topics, and more often than not, they’re completely wrong. My political views are such a mixed bag that they don’t fit neatly anywhere on the spectrum. However, the further you move in either direction from the center, the more I find myself disagreeing with the people there. Yet, many - often trapped in binary thinking - assume that if I’m not on their side, I must belong to the other.
I also enjoy playing Devil’s advocate, so even when I agree with someone 90% of the time, I might still bring up points that - at least to some - make it sound like I disagree. It’s just that there are very few positions I’m absolutely certain about, so even when there’s little actual disagreement, I like exploring the perspectives that highlight my own uncertainties.
Can relate to the devils advocate, though I tend to try to argue on points that I actually agree with so the other party actually has to reflect on their opinions
It’s not that I argue for points I don’t believe in - that wouldn’t make much sense to me. If I don’t think an argument holds up, I see no reason to bring it up. Rather, even when I clearly lean one way on an issue, there are often strong counterarguments to consider. Even if they don’t change my mind, they might still be points I don’t have a solid response to, and I find it valuable to engage with them. I think the ability to argue honestly against one’s own beliefs is a strong indicator that a person truly understands what they’re talking about, rather than simply echoing talking points to signal allegiance.
Would probably be helpful to give examples because most people I have seen that say that they play devils advocate ( including myself in the past) are actually just being argumentative for the sake of it.
I am being argumentative for the sake of it. What’s there to discuss if everyone is in complete agreement? I enjoy a challenge more than a circlejerk. I’m challenging your ideas with the expectation of the same being done to mine. I want people to try and poke holes into my ideas.
I use drugs without a dependence despite my history.
After a lifetime of every aspect of my being getting invalidated, and my feelings torn to shreds, I should be dead.
But I’m not. I’m even relatively sane.
That’s despite my ARFID and germophobia being fake, my plurality and therianhood being delusion and conspiracy theory, and my queerhood and political standing just a lack of experience in the real world. I am fake, according to everyone. I don’t know how I ended up in an alt-right family, and meeting countless alt-right vermin online, but here we are.
I’m alive, and even happy and healthy, and I still deal with this shit on a daily basis. It nags at the back of my mind, but I’ve become resistant to it, because of my DIY psychedelic therapy sessions (that are making me delusional, apparently).
Vivi, Despite the Planet. /ref
I would never assume you are fake. It would be premature if based on just my own trained expectations. Though… I am impressed to find a drug user whom it doesn’t develop into a dependence over, having done that only once.
It’s easy to not fall into dependence if you have self restraint. I put immense effort into research, to make sure my doses are safe, infrequent enough per drug, and I’m doing it for a good reason (enjoyment is a reason, as long as I have other hobbies). I hope to one day be a major advocate in drug safety, and create guidelines for responsible use. It’s no different than drinking safely, but with different things.
Why I hate Fallout: New Vegas.
Stamets woke up and choice violence.
I ain’t gonna yuck someones yum. If you enjoy the game then dope. But I cannot fucking stand the thing and treat it about as radioactive as the wastelands or as Fallout 76. Again. Personally.
For sure, I just thought it was funny because sooooooo many people will go to great lengths to defend it as a perfect game.
It was fun (to me), but like all the modern Fallouts, overrated in a lot of ways.
I would have taken Van Buren any day, especially since New Vegas’ story is mildly a ripoff of Van Buren since they had already hashed out a lot of the story while they were still under Interplay.
I have a couple issues but overrated is definitely one of them. When I played it I expected it to be the best thing ever made and it was… fine. Like I had no real critical issues (other than the fact that everyone complains that Fallout 3 is green but no one complaints that NV is brown. Why?) but it didn’t catch my interest.
The reason why I cannot stand it is for the same reason so many people like it. Factions and conversation.
When I play a post-apocalyptic survival RPG game I like to actually be experiencing the survival aspect. Falllout 3 and 4 at least were filled with tons of wreckage and debris that you could sort through. Places where no people were. But it’s like every map marker you come across has some faction already set up there. Even if you do find an empty place it’s because the Legion were there 10 minutes ago and nailed everyone to a tree. Then you get to Vegas and the place is fully functional with the Hoover Dam and a functioning airfield nearby.
I want to walk through the wilderness. I wanna explore desolation. I wanna uncover mysteries of the long or freshly dead. To dive into places where no one else has been. Not have to do costume management so I get the right conversational bonus for the right chucklefuck.
If people like that, then awesome. All power to them and I’m glad you enjoyed it. But I fucking hated New Vegas with every fiber of my being.
I think its kinda the best game in its class. If you have a better FPS RPG with actual choices you can make in it I am all ears though.
I just think FPS RPGs don’t work very well is the main issue.
I’d been waiting for the tech to finally get to where it needed to be for something like Baldur’s Gate 3. I had played other Larian games, and they always left a little something to be desired because they were mostly the same as most isometric RPGs had been for a long time. There were some clever ideas, but BG3 leveled up the experience to cinematic levels. Previously player characters and NPCs were small, blocky fixtures on the screen, not fully realized characters able to be seen up close in cutscenes, and that technical limitation was sadly holding back the genre.
I’d rather play a Fallout game designed in BG3’s engine any day of the week than a first person iteration.
That being said, in regards to an FPS RPG that I think is actually good:
System Shock 2.
Although to be fair there’s not a lot of story choices as much as there is wide variety of choice of how to tackle the game including three deeply different classes at the beginning and potential multiplayer to have two classes work together.
Biohshock was a regression of this formula and I pine for something with the complex systems of System Shock 2 but with a more deeply intricate plot and characters with a varied set of endings.
We’ll see if Ken Levine’s Judas has grown his formula anymore since Bioshock. Perhaps I’ll be lucky and the things I’ve been asking for will be present in Judas and I can finally change my mind about FPS RPGs.
