He (now she) came out as trans. I am bi myself, but I had been attracted to him for his male qualities, and I did not find her attractive as a woman. That, and she deserved to have the life experiences of dating/living as a woman that our marriage could not provide. There were signs well before the divorce, and we did try marriage counseling before we called it quits. We were married 7 years and thankfully had no kids. The divorce was amicable and we are still friends, still hang out and text regularly.

I already had trust issues, but I definitely trust people even less now. I had many people say things like “Oh, but isn’t it nice that she trusted you enough to come out to you?” like that’s some sort of consolation prize for my marriage ending. There is not much support outside of immediate family for the ex-spouses of trans people because so many assume we are all anti-trans because of the divorce, when that’s so far from the truth. If you love someone, you set them free, and that’s what we did for each other by divorcing.

There’s a very fucked up community that call themselves “trans widows”, which is full of angry ex-spouses hating on all things trans. I get their anger, but at the end of the day, it’s the individual person and their particular actions and not the trans community that they should be angry at. The situation is difficult, and I know my ex carries guilt about it, and I could not relate to the “trans widow” community at all.

What can my experience teach you about your own relationships? I dunno, man, probably nothing good. That my paranoia and assumptions were ultimately justified leading up to her coming out? That you can’t trust anyone? That everyone has something to hide? That giving yourself to someone fully isn’t worth the risk? I dunno.