I’m not a psychiatrist, so this is all observational for me, but my father is a narcissist so I can at least tell you what he’s like.

In conversation, or any interaction, if the topic veers into anything that my father can’t relate to or isn’t aware of from his own personal experience, he immediately reframes the topic so it’s about him. This consistently happens in the middle of a conversation, and it usually interrupts someone speaking. The interruption is always unrelated to what the person was actually saying, so after he interrupts you can always see the person he cut off deflate and shrink away from the conversation. Because it’s clear he wasn’t participating in a two-sided conversation, he was just waiting his turn to cut in and take over.

He manages to come across as caring, but that’s only because he knows exactly how to act so he appears that way. But his motivation is only to be praised for his apparent empathy, because if you probe his behavior even a little bit, it’s like a switch is flipped and he goes into a full on angry defensive mode.

For example, a close family member is dying, and he is the only one available to care for them. And he is taking care of them physically, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that, but whenever another family-member asks for an update on their condition, his framing is always about what he has done and how he has learned what to do in a particular situation, it’s never about the condition of our dying family member.

He takes credit for every idea and new concept he comes across, even if the person who gave him the idea is in the room with him. It sometimes even happens in the same conversation.

Anyway, those are just my personal experiences living with an extremely difficult and selfish father who is incapable of thinking genuinely about other people. I learned a lot about myself and him by reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Worth a read even if you’re not thinking about a parent.

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Some narcissistic traits are not limited to narcissists, but if tou avoid these two common ones it will cover the vast majority of people that fall into the category of what you are trying to avoid.

Are they unable to accept criticism or see things from other people’s viewpoints and overreact to those types of things?

Are they fine with harming other people if it benefits them personally?

If someone exhibits either of these then they will be extremely difficult to work with or get along with, and impossible to deal with if they exhibit both.

I’m not a fan of labels because I can never keep up with the constant changing of meaning or the new labels that keep appearing.

Instead I focus on peoples actions to figure out how I am to handle them. The most common behaviour I see in people who act more in their own self interest is manipulation. They want to control as much as possible. That includes the situation and the people around them.

The simplest thing to do is observe. Watch what they do. Watch how they interact with people around them. I often ask myself a bunch of questions about that behaviour. Do the words they say match what they do? Where is the attention coming from and where is it going? What tools do they use to bring attention to themselves? Is there a power imbalance between them and someone else? What tools do they use to control that power imbalance? Who is gaining something and who is losing something in those interactions? Why do they care so much about something that seems insignificant?

That’s not a complete list or anything. People are creative in good and bad ways so it’s more of a developed skill which takes time to grow. You may find other observations or questions to help you filter out manipulative people.

As a quiet person who has spent more time observing than talking, I’ve always been a target for manipulators. They seem to think my quietness is submission. I’ve dealt with far too many manipulators so much of what I said comes from those experiences.

I often deal with manipulative people by either acting dumb or figuring out the tools they are using or willing to use on me and deny them the chance to use those tools on me any further.

My number 1 red flag is they have relationships that don’t last. I remember I had a girlfriend in college who didn’t have any girl friends, just guy friends and even they weren’t around long. I found out it was because she was an attention seeking narcissistic cuckoo.

Also, my Uncle is a chronic liar. He is VERY entertaining, but a liar none-the-less. He will move from group to group until somone finds out he’s full of shit. From a social club, to adult sports, a biker gang, camping club, and the list goes on and on.

My number 2 red flag is that they can’t be corrected or are never wrong. They are willing to argue ludicrous points just to feel right and relevant. They also pick the dumbest things to argue over when all they have to do is answer something like, “That’s crazy.” Normal people eventually admit fault and learn. Narcissists will never learn.

You’re talking about that VTuber ain’t ya?

Obligatory “not a *psychiatrist”, but based on my own past experiences with troubled folks that taught me a lot about myself and what I’m not willing to tolerate any longer:

• Tendency to reroute conversations to be only about them. The expectation is that you will be the emotional dumping ground for them, but they don’t have a vested interest listening to anything you say that isn’t of benefit to them.

• Along the same vein, they typically aren’t safe to vent to about anyone or anything. They might be comfortable speaking ill of people/things to you if they have perceived you as passive enough, but if you do the same they will pocket that info for a later date and use it against you if they feel slighted or threatened.

• Love bombing as a social weapon/form of manipulation. They will act super nice and want to get to know you fast in an effort to disarm you and earn their trust. Do not allow yourself to fall into a “fast friends” situation!

• They will do anything to avoid accountability for awful behavior, including trying to blame you for things they chose to do on their own selfish volition. Additionally, if they have the means to do so, they will play the reverse victim card real fast to gain sympathy from others and make you seem like the problem if you catch them red-handed.

• They are insecure and can’t handle their energy being matched and tend to be stuck in “teenager” behavior as adults. In my case, they were abrasive and accustomed to back-handed compliments toward anyone they were “friends” with. That said, if it got dished back they would become downright livid and mean.

• Casual tendency to regurgitate others truths as their own as an act of self-aggrandization (I called it secondhand lying). For example, you might say to them “I went to ‘ABC’ restaurant and they had amazing cocktails” and then a few days later you’ll catch them saying the same sentence to someone else despite knowing they didn’t go to that restaurant. That was a weird one.

Toxic people can also be fun, helpful, and even friendly. They can also be toxic. As too can I. Generally you want to avoid toxic people if you can… but you can’t always do that (e.g. your boss, a parent especially if you are still young, etc.).

My advice is to focus more on yourself and your own issues, over which you have maximum control (and also responsibility). e.g. if several people can gaslight you, while nobody else around you is getting gaslit by any of them, then you are the common thread. I’m not trying to blame you to be clear - what do I know? - just offer food for thought (and anyway, it takes two to tango - so part of that would be their responsibility, but part is also yours?).

You can become immune to many forms of toxicity, by identifying those areas inside yourself that need bolstering, and working on them. Like therapy?

But that’s tangential to your point. Yeah it’s good to identity toxic YouTubers and avoid watching them:-). There are so very MANY red flags. And paying attention to those and avoiding the ones who display them is an example of you taking responsibility for your own mental health and stability - kudos! :-)

I’ve watched a few youtube videos on this specific subject, just search narcissist there. Please also be aware of the Dunning Kruger effect (where Psych 101 students think they’re psychiatrists), remember human behavior is too complicated to draw serious conclusions from superficial observations, so please don’t think you know more than you know and don’t treat people like memes.

Don’t know about diagnosing but a safe red flag for a relationship that is not good for you and has factors that often occur with narcissists is when you think about their feelings way more than you objectively should while neglecting your own. Especially if you are not in love or something like with your boss.

you should watch this video about how narcissist hunting is the newest form of conspiracy theory/witch hunt against disabled people

No, there is not a way for a layman to spot mental health issues and reliably diagnose them. This is true across the board regardless of circumstances because mental health issues constantly overlap and require a lot of work to properly diagnose at a professional level.

Just tell him that he is not the most important person in the world.

Then watch…